Love Happens (third time!)

Well, I keep checking out that LoveHappens.com site, and lo and behold, I just realized, when I looked at a certain picture a little closer that I said "maybe" to yesterday, that the guy was a drummer in a band. Plus he has blonde hair and he looks just like a fun person. Wow! So I clicked the yes button and sent him an icebreaker! Maniac1_1998 is so cool. But I think he's just looking for new friends. Who'd want my fat butt anyway. I've got to shed this fat off me one way or another. I know it'll be easier for me to burn the fat off of me in Florida, where I have my regime of walking, and I can add weight training to it by applying for membership at Curves or Gold's Gym. Gold's Gym is too far away, but Curves is almost right around the corner. I think if I walk around the neighborhood for an hour on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, that will take care of my aerobics and cardio. Then I can work out with weights on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. Take Sundays off. I'd like to go to church on Sundays, but I don't know where to go. I guess I could go to the Suncoast Vineyard again, but I just don't feel right in some churches anymore. I don't know if it's me, or it's them that God is warning me about. I feel like I'm a new person with all my bills paid. All I have to do is worry about MicroCenter's card, and Mom said she'd pay the $3000 on it in February, so all I owe is $2000. I will never go to the casino anymore. It's not worth it. I'm tired of lending money for an empty sport. Savior, Save me.

Sad and Depressed.....

Hey, I've been sad and depressed for the past few days. I haven't had any e-mail from anybody, except for Sgt. Oliver which made me very happy. All the rest of the e-mails that I sent out, like to Mark and Greg, have not been read. I suppose they deleted them. But Laura read her classmates e-mail. I met Laura in Alaska when I was stationed at Galena. And another lady contacted me through classmates.com who I have not even thought about all these years. She said that she remembered me from Pasco-Hernando Community College right before I went into the military. She was always so nice to me. But other than that, I'm just depressed because I don't get any mail. Sometimes Missy e-mails me and that makes me happy. But I'm getting burned out on forwarded mail. There's nothing like a good letter to make one feel better.

Love Happens....(again)

Well I gave that guy Ronnie an icebreaker again. This time I'm not going to bug him. If he e-mails that's great, but if he doesn't then that's it. I've learned my lesson to not bug a man. Here's the picture of myself that I posted on LoveHappens.com. I've got a few icebreakers from other guys, but they're sort of weird looking. I hope the guy that I like doesn't think badly of me, but maybe he's just not interested. Jesus when am I going to.....oh no, I'm beginning to sound like a wanton! Maybe I'll post something tonight in my blog. I don't know what else to say except....."Jesus......please save me from my mother's soap operas!!!"

Love Happens.....

I've been having a bit of fun on LoveHappens.com today. I decided to go on as a new user and try and e-mail somebody. It turned out that I didn't e-mail that certain somebody at all. But I did e-mail and showed interest in a guy who has the most beautiful eyes. He might just be the guy to help me forget Greg, but he has blue eyes and brown hair just like Greg. I'm hoping that he saw my profile, and see it again since I made changes to it and added more information about myself. Wow - can you imagine me with a man? It's been over 15 years since I've been with a man, well.....maybe 8 years if I count Clay, and I hope I get someone I like and can love. I gave the man my e-mail address so I'm hoping he's interested, unless he doesn't like fat women...or disabled American veterans; accent on the word "disabled." Jesus, help me. I had a dream a week ago and it was about Greg. I believe it was from God. It showed I was in a circle with a couple of people who encouraged me to go to Greg, like maybe shake hands or pinky fingers. I went to Greg and it seemed as if I sort of slapped and shoved and he slapped my hands and shoved me a bit, and then I reached out and hugged him and he let me hug him with his head on my neck. Then there was a voice from above in my dream that said "Don't play him." I had no idea what that meant. So tonight at Frisch's I asked my sister what it meant, after I told her my dream. She said that the phrase "don't play him" means not to show interest if you're not interested. Gee...after all these years I've thought of Greg all my life since I met him, as well as since when he left me without saying goodbye, and God has to tell me not to play him? I guess it must had been Greg that day at Frisch's about two years ago when I saw him with that blonde woman; actually, I didn't see him at all because I was blind - I didn't have my glasses nor my contacts on. Therefore, I didn't look his way, but my spirit always looks at a man and wonders "is that Greg?" So maybe it was Greg because when I didn't look at him or see that he was there or existed, he got upset as he walked past me, like he was wanting me to look his way, which I didn't. Oh well. I made a comeback - I e-mailed that man about twenty-thirty times before Christmas and he must had seen them because he blocked me from e-mailing him again. So I used another screenname/e-mail address once more, and I didn't do it again. All I said was "I love you" and "I still have feelings for you". Of course he reported me to Classmates.com too because I found a letter from the communications group personnel in my mailbox. Oh well, I just won't open it nor look at it; it's too painful. I had to live without Greg and without the happiness he gave me and then took away. Now he's really trying to hurt me; unless it's his wife, which I don't doubt. I guess that is what happens when I send a Christmas card to Greg and his family with a note attached saying "Hope you got my e-mails."

Getting Out of Hand.......

I guess some of my endeavors are getting out of hand. Trying to contact Greg is turning up a dead rat. He blocked my e-mail and then possibly reported me to classmates.com officials. Maybe he isn't worth anything after all, but I sure am inlove with his memory. Why did that creep have to flirt with me? Why did he show that he liked me? Why did he take me out for a whole two-month period? Why do I see him with different women all the time? I guess he's a loser and a butthole. Like my sister once said, he's only a face. The best thing that ever happened to me was that I lost all that fat in 10th grade because of him. I just pray that God my father in Heaven curses Greg Elam and his wife and family for what he did to me. He should had never had been with me when I was so young and fragile at heart. He broke it in several pieces. May God and Jesus curse him. May God and Jesus curse his boys and curse his girls to be ravaged just like he did me and break all their hearts and spirit. God, Jesus, Holy Spirit - please fight Greg Elam and his wife and family for me. Amen.

Christmas 2005

I didn't know when I was going to make time to fix the Italian cookies. Thursday night I was suppose to go out with Missy and do some Christmas shopping, but ended up going with my sister instead because Missy had some bad headaches. Friday night Jenny needed me over to her Christmas party. I got to meet Jenny's mom again, after 30 years, as well as her cousin, Connie. I really enjoyed visiting with them and Jenny had some great food to snack on too. So after leaving Jenny's house, I called Missy and asked her to do some last minute shopping with me. I wanted a fiber optic Christmas tree like Jenny had. We went all over town trying to find one; we went to Wal-Mart first, then finally found one at K-Mart, but didn't have the money to buy it. Missy was so good to me to offer to pay for it until I could give her the money. It was on sale. While we were there, we looked at televisions and compared prices from the other store. Then we both agreed to try Meijer's to find Samantha, Missy's daughter, a television set. Bingo! It was the largest television on sale at the lowest price. Only thing is we had to go back across the river to pick up the cash to pay for it. So I took Missy to her house and she went in to get the money, and we went off to Meijer's again across the river. When we got there, only two of them were left. So we grabbed it and checked out. Missy called Bobby Jo, her eldest daughter, to come over to help put it in their car. However, it turned out it would not fit in their car, and they put it in my powerback of the Lexus. Well, it didn't fit.......but when there's a will there's a way! Good ole MIssy tore up the box and stuck the whole television in the back. It fit. I was so happy that we went out that night. It was the first time we've been together and did something in a while. Saturday morning I wrapped the present that Missy needed wrapped, plus I wrapped up her Christmas gifts that I wanted to give her...since she was so good to me and said that I didn't have to pay her back for the tree. She was so nice.

Christmas Eve was really good this year. I just felt bad that I forgot to wrap Vivian's presents. Towards the end of the evening, after everybody got their gifts, Vivian just looked at her kids and asked who all gave her presents. So I told her Santa's still coming, just like they were telling little Anthony. Anthony wanted a batmobile so bad that he eventually grabbed his present (the one that I had to rewrap in spiderman paper) and snatched it under the dining room table and started ripping it open. He was so disappointed. He was not happy with his batman lamp at all. He fell asleep before the night was over because it was so boring and not exciting at all. Everyone was telling him that Santa still had to come and that it wasn't midnight yet. As for me, I was very content with my gifts. Jenny got me a scarf made from rabbit fur dyed crimson red. The kids got me a weight scale that calculates my body fat and hydration. And they also got me a little pendant charm "#1 Nana"...aren't those kids the greatest!? I got another scarf from Terry, but this one was beautiful lace and silk. I put it around my head like an arabian lady. I got another scarf too from Vivian.

Wow! Christmas Day has come and gone. We were expecting Marie and her friend to come over this evening, but I guess they changed their minds. Today was pretty good. I woke up with a good dream of being in Tulsa, Oklahoma and being chosen to star in a play or show. Then Mom woke me up because Vivian called needing something. So I decided to get up. I turned off my breathing machine and put on my eyeglasses and washed up. I turned on the television to the Trinity Broadcasting Network and there was a play from the program called "Love Worth Finding." I really enjoyed listening to it while I was at the computer. Then it dawned on me that I promised Vivian last night that I was going to give her presents today since I forgot to wrap them for Christmas Eve. So I spent the rest of the morning putting the pajamas and torquoise sweater in boxes with some odds and ends, like Cherry Blossom body cream, vitamins, perfume samples, and other stuff. Then Vivian came over with the ham, rolls, and gravy, then gave Mom orders to fix the devilled eggs and put the ham in the oven for about an hour and 15 minutes. I then gave her the presents that I had just recently wrapped that morning. She liked them. Then she went back home and I decided to get dressed for the CHRISTmas day. Around 3:00 p.m. Vivian came back with Everitt and the sweet potato casserole. I had already taken the ham out of the oven. And my favorite TBN program was on the television, "The King Is Coming." This time it was Everitt's turn to sit in the living room and watch it, since I watched his football game yesterday on Christmas Eve. I think he enjoyed it; he didn't say anything bad, but eventually he took hold of the remote and was thumbing through the guide. Eventually Santina called and asked if it was alright to bring Boo (Philip) over for the Christmas dinner. Vivian said yes, but Everitt objected. We all invited Boo in and greeted him warmly. He is a very sweet and gentle black fellow and he's a good friend to Santina. He's also musically inclined. So everybody nominated me to say the prayers and we all ate in peace. Then Johnathan and his girlfriend, Elisha, came over and they ate just as we were getting started. Jessica didn't come at all today. She had to take little Anthony over to his cousin's house for Christmas. So everybody eventually went into the living room and chatted with each other. Santina found the stash of rare, old scotch that her Uncle Carmine, and Grandpa, had at the house the last time they were here. Of course, everybody had to take smoke breaks and go outside on the porch to relieve their nicotine fix. I went outside too, first without a sweater until Big Sister told me to go back in the house and put something on. I just went out there to keep company with everybody, but I did not smoke. I petted the cats and gave them some more food. They still had clean water too. Santina thinks that one of the cats is pregnant, as well as mute, meaning she doesn't or cannot meow.

Two Days before Christmas...

Hey. It's two days before Christmas. Last night I went with my sister to J.C. Penny's and bought my sister-in-law, Terry, and my niece, Jessica, their Christmas presents. Today or tomorrow I've got to bake those Italian cookies. And tonight I've got to go to Jenny's around 7:00 pm. Whew! Busy, busy, busy this Christmas. My mom is baking Biscotti at the moment. I've been waiting patiently for my classmate.com e-mail from my friends, Gilbert and Judith. Gilbert was from the U.S. Air Force, and Judith is from Pasco-Hernando Community College. I'm so happy that they e-mailed me. I replied to them and am now waiting for them to answer me back again. Haven't gotten an e-mail from Greg or Mark either. Guess they got it, but don't want to read it for personal reasons. Their loss, not mine. I loved Greg the most though. I had a dream last night that Greg's father, Terry, was located in classmates.com too. Yes, I looked in classmates.com for him, but the only person who fit his description could had been the one from Kentucky, since Greg's relatives are from Kentucky. Gee, I really love those people. I'm just sorry that they don't love me, or rather don't show it. Savior, Save Me.

My Life Story........

Hey. I've been creating a few more blogs for myself to write in since this early morning. I've always wanted to write my life story, and now I have the means to do. The only thing is that when it's all finished, I'll have to print it out from the webpage. I'm so happy that Missy called me today. We had planned to go shopping with my sister. But something came up and my and my sister will have to go shopping alone. Hopefully Missy will call us on the cell phone and meet us at the store. Only three days till Christmas! I still have to get presents for Terry and Jessica.

I Think I'm Gonna Be Sick........

I think I'm going to be sick. My heart hurts bad. I've been e-mailing my former boyfriend from ages past and haven't gotten an answer from him at all. I suppose it doesn't seem right that I'm e-mailing him though after all these years. I got so fed up last night that I e-mailed Greg about twenty-thirty times from all three of my e-mail accounts from AOL and Yahoo. I told my psychiatrist about trying to reconnect with him, but she warned me that I shouldn't reconnect with people I haven't seen in a long time. She said I could get in trouble for stalking. Isn't stalking when somebody has a dagger? I don't have a dagger. Anyways, I've been praying that the Holy Spirit comfort me, because He's all I have. He's the only One Who loves me. I've been hearing the song over and over again in my head, "The Ocean Floor" by Audio Adrenaline. The verses go like this, "Your sins are erased, Your sins are no more, They are out on the ocean floor." King Jesus is good to me. I've been thinking that maybe I'd be better dead than alive so I can be with Jesus. I hate every single man who comes to me who's interested in a relationship with me; they're either too old or too ugly or both and most of them are male-chauvanist pigs. Actually none of them compare to Greg or Jesus. I suppose Greg doesn't compare to Jesus either, but what am I: a nun? I hate nuns too! They are so evil, mean, and cruel! Especially to non-catholics. They mistreated me so wickedly in 1992. Anyway, I don't want to be a nun. But I am dedicated to Jesus. As I was saying, Greg doesn't compare to Jesus' faithfulness.

My Debts Are Paid

Hi ya'll. I am a happy camper this month. I paid off every single credit card I have; well, except for maybe two of them. I paid off Sears, Chase, Bank of America, and MicroCenter. Thank God! The amount was so big that I got fed up with it all and decided to pay them. Of course, my family has taken advantage of me again. When they see I've got money, they come to me with every little excuse. My mother decided that, since MicroCenter was paid off, she could charge it up again and wire the cash advance to the bank. Of course I said yes. What are good daughters for? But now I have to wait until February to get my card paid off. That's when she says she'll have the money to pay off my card. Man, I wanted to be debt-free, but nooooooooo, they have to take advantage of me. My sister owes me$1000. Mom keeps telling me to tell everybody that I'm not a bank, but Mother uses me too. At least she pays me back though. I can't wait until February. I'm going to buy a big, big house. I really believe that Christ Jesus paid all of my debts on His Cross approximately 2000 years ago. Not only did he become sin and took the chasetisment for my peace, but He also paid the randsom for my soul and paid every debt I've ever owed and will ever owe. Thank You, Jesus.

Haunting Ghosts of Boyfriend Past.......

Hey. Has anybody ever been haunted by old boyfriends? Ever since Thanksgiving, I've been seeing men who remind me of my old boyfriend, Greg, from way back in 1980. Just the other day, when I was with my cousin's wife, Rita, we went out to lunch at Max and Erma's Restaurant at the new shopping center. The minute that I walked into the dining area I noticed some guy who looked at me as if I looked familiar. I wondered if I knew him, and it reminded me of Greg. He looked as if he could had been him: aged 25 years later, he still had the dark brown hair, but it looked like most guys' hair when they're 46 years old. I had sat with my back against the wall where I could see the dining area and I had the perfect view of him. I kept peeking over Rita's arm so I could get an idea if it was him or not. Before I knew it, he leaned way over and looked at me! Of course my eyes followed and I looked back at him, which made me feel as if he might have been punishing me for eyeing him or maybe it dawned on him that it could have been an old girlfriend from his youth. After a while he and his friend got up and left and walked right past me. I didn't look at him though. All I did was cover up my left hand which had one of my rings on my finger, so that he didn't think I was married, and had my beautiful diamond ring showing on top of my other hand. Afterwards, I felt embarassed because my hair wasn't washed. But I think he could had smelled my perfume.
Just recently before that day, my mother and I was out to lunch at Steak n' Shake at the Cincinnati Mills area. It was after the party at the table just left of us had departed, that I noticed a young girl with way long brown hair sit down. I thought she had beautiful hair and started to wish I had my long locks of hair back on my head too that I had chopped off this past summer. Anyway, I went to pay the bill and came back to Mom and started to put on my sweater. I was standing after I asked Mom if she was ready to go, and as I turned around I saw the side of the face of this man who looked exactly like Greg when he was young in the booth with the little girl. This man had the dark brown hair, and a mustache. I stopped and looked for a couple seconds and wondered if it could had been him. But I didn't say anything since he didn't turn around and say anything. As I drove off I kept looking back through the windows to see him, but all I could keep seeing was the side of his face.
Another ghost of time past hit me when I was at Frisch's Big Boy Restaurant: twice! The first time was about one or two years ago. I was sitting at a booth by the east window with my sister. At this time I had my long hair, but I was not wearing my glasses, which meant that I was half blind and couldn't see very far. I didn't notice, but this couple came in - a man and some young blonde-haired woman. After the waitress seated them, the man came towards my table, looking at me, but I was too busy talking with my sister, Vivian. That man kept looking at me. And when I didn't smile at him or bothered to notice him, he just got disgusted and acted like he wanted to say something but didn't, then he walked on to the salad buffet where his woman friend followed him to. I'm not sure if he was mad because I didn't say anything, or if it was because I had sent him e-mails in the past telling him I'd always love him and a letter in the mail saying how God blessed me and that if he was ever available again I'd be interested in seeing him. Don't know which one it could had been. The second time I saw him at Frisch's Restaurant was about a few months ago. I was with my sister again. As I was following the waitress to the booth, there was a voice in the back of my head saying "Greg's here, Greg's here..." because I saw a brown-haired man sitting with his family to the left. Well, when I sat down, Vivian decided to go to the lady's room and leave me all alone. I was scooting over and had my eyes shut for some reason. And when I opened them, I saw a woman with long brown hair, who was at the table with the man, walk towards a couple of booths infront of me. Then she stopped and grinned at me for a brief second and then looked out the window. I was puzzled as to why she did that. Then it dawned on me: maybe it just could had been Greg and his family. Gee, hope they're all not mad at me.
If anything good has come out of this, I'd have to say it is the fact that Jesus has answered my prayers and has truly saved me. Now if He will only save me from the wrath of Greg and his family if they were mad at me..... Savior, Save me.