FIRST LOVE

I’ve been attending a different Church for the past few weeks.  The Holy Spirit moves more interactively in the services and prayer night.  The first time I was there I saw this giant picture of Jesus wearing His prayer shawl talit and a voice said to my Spirit this place has the Spirit of my First Love.  When I was in my late teens and late 20’s, I’d have dreams and visions of Jesus as the Soon-Coming King (white woolly hair and wearing a white Jewish garb with an average body as if He has a wine belly).  And during this one year in Tulsa inside the hateful Bible Belt where men use women and don’t love them, Jesus let me see Himself again with my Spirit eyes as a Man warmly looking at me as if He loves a woman.  I was still very petite and skinny with long thick black hair wearing contacts and I’m so glad He loved me because none of the guys liked me or was just afraid to go out with me thinking they’ll sin or something, (which one of them did and I got offended that he just used me and didn’t actually love me enough to keep wanting me, which ruined my life and I went home to Mother and took care of her and stayed celibate for the rest of my life).  NOW I WONDER IF JESUS STILL LOVES ME LIKE THAT EVEN THOUGH I AM NOT SO SKINNY WITH LONG THICK HAIR ANYMORE.  I saw Jesus again in April 2004 in a very vivid vision at three o’clock in the morning after praying one evening with an enormous amount of LOVE and FAITH in my heart (especially after seeing a movie and praying with a lot of love for the actors and the real characters they portrayed in the true story of The Alamo).  Spirit of Jesus was so happy to see me!  At the end of the vision I saw tall, long blonde-haired beings standing and one of them shouted “JUST BELIEVE!” Then they drove off in a golf cart, and then all the bright white light disappeared and returned to the blackness of my room.  I just want to say that I see the warm light of Jesus’ eyes again in the eyes of this pastor in this new church I’m attending and it’s refreshing to see my First Love of my Jesus again.  I’m trying really hard to realize it’s just Jesus in his eyes and not the human pastor’s since the man is married and I’ve re-learned it’s taboo to hug the angel of the church or rather anybody of the opposite sex.  My visions have been under attack all year since liking a dear Christian man producer in Nashville since February 2019.  Seems like all my fears of a certain creep in a church back in 1995, which was what kept me from dating ever again, had focused inside all the visions I thought the Holy Spirit was revealing to me about this producer as if he too was a ‘jack’ or sexually promiscuous, which didn’t help me none since I started wanting him and didn’t care about what I feared anymore, which is why I thought it was love.  And this producer has mentored me to write songs about all my feelings that he knows I have a lot of.  I’m learning that I can’t love anybody unless God gives me love for that person, and that human love fleets away, and that feelings of love can grow if you don’t cut off communications, unless you simply don’t like something about that person for a good reason, usually to protect yourself from what’s not love or what not right for you.  I’ve been celibate 29 years and out of the realm of interacting with love interests of the opposite sex and although I don’t play games, I really have a lot of growing up to do even at my age of 56.

UPDATE:  I was wondering what the voice meant by ‘First Love’.  I felt the Holy Spirit was telling me that it’s Jesus’ true Love of God and the Faith of the new believer with pure faith and no doubt, with all  our Love mixed with God’s Love and there is NO CONDEMNATION.  But all I felt like at fellowship at Cancun especially, was so much condemnation that it was hurting my nerves physically.  Maybe that’s what it meant by saying ‘your First Love’s here’ which meant it wasn’t in me anymore😢😭.  I want my real genuine First Love JESUS back with my First Works, ministering Jesus to the street girls.