Fore-give, Forgive, Forgave, Forgiveness & Healing

 I've forgiven my friends.  Thank God for friends.  However, I'm keeping my distance from when they just want to use me and not associate with me nor value me for me and my gifts of teaching and correcting when I disagree.  I think the Lord is teaching me the difference between constructive positive feedback and flattery.  I never meant to be so simple all my life.  The Lord had given me the gift of wisdom in my younger years, but things became confusing when I fell in love with my music producer.  He should take responsibility and remember how positive, productive, and active I was with him and for him while he was waiting for me to come back to writing songs in Florida in the beginning of 2022 after visiting family up north.  

The year 2022 was very productive.  I was more that just a singer/songwriter.  I was an author of my illustrated poem book and my magazines the Lord laid on my heart to design for His Body of Christ.  The last issue will be this coming January.  When Neal stopped calling, I surrounded myself with three hobbies to drown out the silence of him not talking to me.  I want to go back to silence again without my three hobbies.  The websites were fun to send people to, but nobody buys unless a person sells.  Avon sold itself.  Mary Kay is just fun because of the free skin care facials and classes.  And DoTerra essential oils, well, I've been wanting to own all those oils since I was in my 30's when they first came out.  So in a way, the Lord gave me the desires of my heart to stay occupied.   

But I just want to focus on Christ's work now:  His gift of writing songs, reading those books to start my homeless and discipleship ministries, and in my spare time making handmade gifts with essential oils with my own line of skin care essentials, as well as continue managing my unique, rare, gifted talents & skills online at my website www.annamaria.live.  I really need to do the last steps of putting my music on iTunes and SoundCloud as a professional artist.  My music and talent is in the Lord's hands.  I loose and release me and my talents in The Lord's hands.   

And so now is November, soon to be Thanksgiving to be with family.  I've been learning to give my family up to the Lord too.  I left my family and home once in my 20's for the Lord, and He gave them back to me to be a witness to them and tell them, actually show them what great things He's done for me.  Anymore, they've been only jealous and evil towards me and stealing from me, demanding me to give them what I've been given and inherited.  I think it's time to leave family again, unless it's just a test. But Christ Jesus said that your family will be your worst enemies regarding the Gospel.  And the ones who lived in my house destroyed my $1900 cross that was lifted up to draw the street people to Christ, as well as my 65" TV, and other property.  Now they don't want to pay me back for it.  I have the right to evict them, but how do you evict a sibling from the home she was raised in?  And the sibling has kids to defend her even when she's wrong, and I don't have anybody but God Who hears my prayers.  He did hear my complaint about the problem.  I heard an audible voice in my right ear say, "Daughter is home."  It brought my memory to the scripture of the repentant Prodigal Son, because after all, my sibling is in a somewhat state of repentance by divorcing her wiccan witch pagan husband who abused all our properties.  The Lord has answered my prayers to open her eyes and to finally break ties with her abuser who didn't even bow to Christ, nor was thankful for giving him a roof over his head by the way he destroyed my property.  However, not just her repentant state of mind came to remembrance, but also daughter was home like this daughter was home so long ago back with Mom when Mom had to reprogram my mind.  The Lord was reminding me to minister to my sister as my Mother ministered to me:  help her reprogram her mind, and give healing to be a whole person again back to before she ever met him, as long as she would just honor Christ in my home with the Word of God.

4 Days after 60

 Just checking in.  I know I need to make some serious changes in my life before I get any older.  Thank God He has blessed me with youth and restores my youth like the eagles and feeds me with good things to renew my youth.  I know The Lord doesn't look at the outward appearance, but looks at the heart and inner man/woman, but my body and countenance could benefit from losing 145 pounds proportionately.  The build up of fat causes so many ugly, hurtful things to the body.  The only reason why I asked God to make me fat 35 years ago was to repel dirty old men.  But in my mid 50's, during my midlife crisis into my 30th year of celibacy, I didn't realize what desperation was until I was subconsciously transferring my memories of romance with a former fire fighter from the 1990's to my first major music producer.  He was patient with me, as he listened to my stories, purposing to want a relationship with me in the long run.  Anyways, the people around him influenced him against me, or via versa if he wasn't true.  It was that long-distance telephone relationship with him that brought my senses back to ask God for security and body guards instead of fat to protect me from perverts.  So I had to humble myself and repent for acting desperate instead of the Holy Spirit child the Lord made me in His image.  The music producer was fat also, and was impressed with my knowledge and inspirations, especially when I taught him how to avoid starches that helped him lose 40 pounds like I did in 2018.  He was able to see the difference of my body figure in a picture on one of session days.  Anyways, fat needs to melt and loose all it's energy, and I'm standing on scripture where it says that the fat belongs to the Lord.  Leviticus 3:16 "...and the priest shall burn them on the altar as food, an offering made by fire for a sweet aroma; all the fat is the Lord’s."  Besides melting fat, I'm happy that my hair is growing longer.  It's a little thinner than when I was younger, but that's common.  Ever since I've been using the Herbal Essence Argan Oil shampoo a couple times a week, my hair has been thickening.  My hair really grew longer in 2021 when I started drinking collagen power by Plexus in my water.  I stopped due to stomach concerns.  Another change in patterns will be my finances.  I want to quit most of my hobbies and sales.  I only have a few customers that are loyal, so I will keep my websites open, but I'm tired of spending money and making everybody else rich.  God wants to bless me with my compensation, not everybody else.  I've never seen so many jealous people in all my life when they found out my mother and I had a nontaxable monthly income of about $7000 because of retirement pensions and compensations.  They were mean to me when Mom died.  Mom wanted me to live in her homes, since I didn't have any of my own besides the condo, I also inherited, that was supposed to be sold for my music, that got sabotaged by the music producer's girlfriend/daughter along with our relationship.  God will win in the end, and my music producer/ and his girlfriend are not God.  The battle is the Lord's.  It's His music anyways.  God of love.  That's all my music was...love.  Which brings me to another change...friends.  I am being made more aware of fake friends to get rid of, especially the ones feigning to be Christian.  The ones who ask you out to dinner, then change their minds at the last minute without telling you and then say they meeting you the next day and they never call back.  The ones who want your friendship just to get your ideas and inspirations and tell you they'll invite you over when they're prayer room is done and they never call you, but they call everyone else. The two-faced ones who don't defend me to any of their other friends faces nor shut them up and tell them they're wrong.  The vain ones exulting themselves online with all your ideas they got calling you in need in the midnight hour and they thank another friend for being their bestie, and most all of, get rid of the chronic complainers who wear me down, and those who don't have a conscience about lying...  Get rid of those friends.  With friends like them, who needs enemies?  The world acts better and are some are more noble and more trustworthy of Christ's namesake.  I will still crucify them to Christ and pray for their repentance and growth in the Lord and for the Lord to lead them in "paths of righteousness for His Namesake."  But if they are hurting me, they shouldn't be connected to me, until the Lord restores them and converts them from the world.  Sometimes the world is still in "Christians" and they grieve the Holy Spirit, and grieve Him even more when they persecute me by disowning me for correcting them with God's Word against their errors.  I don't need those type of friends who aren't teachable either, until the Lord opens their eyes.  And the other life change would be to get my house in order for the Lord's return, relax like I used to by drawing to intimate worship. music & prayers, and last but not least at all, compose music to my lyrics God keeps giving me.  I haven't died yet.  I just recently signed up as a publisher on ASCAP, so I'll have to learn how to do my taxes once I start making money from the royalties that the ISRC codes will bring in.  God has given me so much in all my 60 years of life.  I can't count it all, but I guarantee there has been at least a million dollars that God has ran through my bank account and I thanked God for every penny!  The Lord got His tithe, and He rewards me and keeps rewarding me for His good pleasure to give me love and mercy for which I was made.  The only Star over me is Christ Jesus.

 Just checking in at the middle of the year.  Since the last time I wrote, I had graduated not only my third level of discipleship training at my church, but also had graduated from my Bible College's first program with a 4.0 grade point average with an Associates in Theology degree.  I decided to walk this time with a cap and gown at not only my church's campus where I studied distance education, but also I walked at the university in Lutz, outside of Tampa, Florida.  Now everybody's asking me what I'm going to do with it.  I tried to apply to be a pastor at my church, but they wanted more time to train me.  I need to not only be an usher and volunteer at the community center and cafe loft, but I think they would like me getting back into evangelism again that I used to do with other saints from the church a couple years ago before I got so busy.  There's a special blessing in street witnessing.  I personally felt a special covering from the Lord when I was out preaching the Gospel and sharing God's love through His only begotten Son.  As for my ministries, everything is still running as normal.  I'm still writing songs and poems, but I haven't composed any in a while.  The new music producer blessed me by him and his son remodeling my bathroom, where I paid for all the supplies, and paid him in cash along with my red 12-string electric guitar he said he always wanted.  So the last time he spoke to me he mentioned that he wanted to work on my art designs, since I informed him I was going to put my music on hold.  What I need is a band and a producer in Nashville.  My first producer made it look so easy.   But there are other things that the Lord has put on my heart that I feel I shouldn't had put aside this year.  My homeless ministry that I was being mentored for by the SBA SCORE team is needing my attention.  All I have to do is read two books that were suggested to me and to pay a visit and try to volunteer and learn from Metropolitan Ministries.  My ideas are good, especially my intentions of helping needy women and children who want to be discipled for Christ, as well as to help the ones who want to be rehabilitated.  I want to make a way to help them and direct them to the right people as well as make sure they have their needs met that make it possible.  And having a live family cafe, with live bands and a reading  library and hobby/game shop where the proceeds help my charity, will really benefit the community as well.  There's so many charities that support each other to minister to homeless women and children!  But I need people to manage it for me.  I'd give the vision and set it up, but I'd need volunteers and thrifty, shrewd managers who would know how to run a non-profit charity where the majority of the proceeds go to the needy and not just to the workers.  I don't want to be a charity that abuses it's funds.

 Remembering the last three years beginning in the fall of 2020 was heartbreaking.  I felt a false familiar image of my former first music producer with someone else's evil spirit divorce me, and the Lord's angel bride watching over our relationship, from him.  The Holy Spirit's angels were revealing the sins, or possibly previously unrepented sins, of my music producer little by little and those he associated with that were defiling him that were also tainting our soul tie against The Lord's will.  The Lord showed His presence to me in our relationship with Neal several times showing my wrong thinking as well and undone them.  The Holy Spirit led me into all truth for a reason, to stand in the gap to pray for the salvation of my music producer's soul, which ultimately led to my soul salvation or maturity in Christ Jesus along the way.

 2021 came along and in January my music producer seemed to snub me.  But God!  Two days before Valentine's Day, my music producer explains that he was having a hard time and he said "it wasn't supposed to be this hard."  In the early morning of Valentine's Day of 2021 I found out who Neal's purported cohort was and the fact that she was a pagan witch who said she was god and exposing all the lies and sex of my music producer with herself, I had had enough. When I opened her first email that day of that evil woman's, I first felt something hit my heart, and then I saw a false, evil vision of Neal's image of hatred that was not his character, but it was from a very young evil woman's email.  So either she was a pagan witch throwing her soul tie of Neal's against me to control him to hate me, or she copied and pasted from Neal himself or Neal's real girlfriend.  The Holy Spirit shows me everything and everybody's hearts that affects mine because I am His beloved and He is my Heavenly Husband Who cares for me.  So we exchanged emails and I couldn't help myself, so I cursed her in El Shaddai's Name, God Almighty, and His Son Jesus Christ's Name to destroy herself as an idol before me since she exalted herself as god over Him as though He didn't exist and she was the only one.  Very soon afterwards, I went back to my hometown, good things happened to me, after I suffered a breakdown that he caused with his hatred and rejection that put me in the VA hospital with demonic oppressive visions from his witch and interns and whoever he influences and slanders to had hate me.  The Lord Jesus Christ's Holy Spirit was right by my side speaking words of deliverance for me against my enemies.  And then more blessings manifested.  My condo sold, that Neal and I have been waiting all these two years to pay off our music production of my CD where The Lord said that he'd fall in love with me if I go into the studio.  Soon Neal started sweet talking me again, acted like he didn't know the pagan witch (who was his ex-wife's ex-convict prison babe step-daughter for making meth), and by May he said he loved me.  Then by June he said I was just crazy, in response to my comment on his bandmember and possibly real girlfriend's facebook post.  And then, I didn't know it until October, but he blocked me.  By October he answered my texts to agree to continue the production, and then he never answered me again after I told him he won't get anymore money from me until he takes his artist's porn link off his website.  He had the nerve to renew his domain and hosting right after I told him to take it off for the sake of my reputation if not just for his.

Church life in 2021 was phenomenal.  The Lord prophesied through his sons and daughters over me with songs of deliverance and love, calling me His Beloved, and sisters realizing how close the Lord is to me through my flag worship.  There was so much more that my pastor said the Lord wanted for me, besides just slaving to writing hit songs through my soul's portal for money for a greedy hateful man without him reciprocating back to me.  The Lord put on my heart novels, illustrated poem books, magazines, TV videos of Christian sisters testimonies, and these all came to pass by January 2022.  I had put my music on hold.  However, I did write one song for my Neal after the Lord had me able to call him on my other line to let him know I still love him, and he hung up choking.  Something told me it was his heart and not just his voice.  The song is called Father Christmas written after Christmas 2021 the night I called Neal on my way to Church.  I didn't realize it until later, but it was written exactly one year after I wrote my other song for Neal, Love Never Stops Loving, in December 2020.  My crucifix that was imported from Columbia was erected outside with the help of my pastor in October, so my sister helped put up the Santa Claus poster board with the manger of baby Jesus right before Christmas.  While it was still in the house on the sofa, I saw with my spirit eyes of my heart the face of Jesus' Holy Spirit in the face of Santa as if he was ready to bless me with a spiritual gift this Christmas.  I know now that that gift was getting through Neal's block and hearing his voice and knowing how much he still loves mine, as well my ability to keep my promise to make a blessing box outside by the Cross like I promised God.  And on Christmas Eve my sister heard something bad about an evil married woman who refuses to loose my brother to keep loving us and staying in contact with us just so she can force Carmine to give her his inheritance instead of his next of kin, us.  God gets even.

So 2022 came, I have my PG-14 illustrated poem book for sale online at Amazon and Barnes & Noble, the Lord gave me a ROKU TV channel to glorify Him, and I've learned how to create and design my own quarterly magazines with God's message.  And I was able to continue my studies with my church's discipleship program and education at Life Christian University.  I actually came back to Florida to rest.  I had a dream of my Mom turning off my neighbor's lights nextdoor, but I didn't realize how prophetic it was.  After much prayer & fasting with the church, and Jesus' personal deliverance of Neal's or someone's wife demon or soul tie cast out aghast in March 2022 that scared me until I saw a vision of Jesus' Holy Spirit reassuring me it was the real Jesus that cast it out, I was a happy camper until my music producer, Neal, decide to gaslight me one last time after my last request to continue my music production.  I let him have it.  I let him know his name was on the state attorney general's desk.  He messed me up so bad I complained to the VA in a secure message and my nurse practitioner sent the sheriff to my door for a welfare check because I wouldn't answer the phone.  They understood my condition and encouraged me to relax and go to the hospital if things got worse.  So I let them know that when I would find a babysister for my live fish and after I pay my bills at the first of the month, then I'll voluntarily see the doctor.  May came, my blessed neighbor watched my fish after I paid all my bills on the first of the month, and I drove onto the VA an hour away.  I was a nervous wreck.  I couldn't sleep all those months I was back in Florida and I didn't know why except how Neal bothered me with all his negativity that he projected onto me that he should have backwards to him.  My other symptom were heightened anger towards purported mistakes of certain doctors prescription that I complained about, as well as writing to the prison warden of that pagan witch woman who threatened me on Valentine's Day in 2021.  So as I was driving, I was hungry, and I stopped at a Burger King and got two junior whoppers.  I ate in the parking lot.  I was starving.  It was about 5 p.m.  Then I left the parking lot and continued to Tampa and my eyes were drooping and getting sleepy.  I tried to force my eyes to stay open, so I pulled over to a CVS parking lot and I parked and fell asleep for four hours.  I felt so good!  And then I felt peace to go on to the VA emergency room.  I explained to the ER doctor that I could feel tormenting visions of rejection that were raping me.  Well, the ER doctor turned my voluntary admission to an involuntary admission.  In the ward I heard a voice say, "God's about to lose His conscience."  Conscience means knowing right from wrong.  But I'm not God.  The Lord is God.  My faith in Christ His only begotten Son makes me a son of God, but still part of God's family.  So the rest of the four days in the hospital was absolutely heavenly with a few lessons God taught me.  Surrendering my cell phone relieves 90% of stress.  God placed me there to correct my attitude so that I would not be afraid to minister to the people I was called to help.  And after adjusting my medication, I came back home a fresh, new, healthy, young person again and wrote to my music producer with a video of my young performance voice, and he answered back a whole lot nicer this time after two days.  And I believe he was happy with my happy, positive response.  The last problem God helped me tackle was the light from the window at night.  God bless my neighbor, he didn't know he was driving me insane with light in my eyes all night like they do prisoners of war.  So the Holy Spirit got me into the Dollar Tree to buy three thick poster boards and I taped them together and blocked the window.  Problem solved.  I stayed happy the rest of 2022, and evacuated a hurricane in October and drove back to my hometown 1000 miles away. Then I came back to Florida for the Fall season, finished up my magazine.  My sister surprised me to come early for Christmas and came to Church with me Christmas Eve.

2023 came with a little bit of warning signs, so I'm protecting myself and not sitting alone in Church, and now I'm leaving Church with friends.  These past three months have been a time for graduating and getting wiser.  After prayer and fasting with the Church, the last night of fasting I had a vision of one of the lady evangelists give me a word of knowledge or instruction to stop acting like what I don't want to attract.  I'm so thankful The Lord is in the center of our Church and is control of what's happening and all the interactions with everybody.  The Lord sent me a new music producer, who is also an architect which I prayed for.  His girlfriend is the president of the Suncoast Women in Networking (WIN) who introduced me.  There's so much possibilities!  Now I have someone to replace my roof too!  January also came with sadness.  My dear friend Patty who taught me guitar in my youth passed away.  I know she's with Jesus because she must had told Him to send me a new music producer from Heaven.  February came and I was able to complete the second to last class for my degree.  March came and I graduated my Church's discipleship program and I am presently completing the very last class for my program so that I can graduate in June with an Associate of Theology Degree.

Now we'll see what April and Easter brings after this Lenten season of fasting.

 2020 was a very interesting year.  It was a year of victory for me, not so much because of anything I did, but what God did and how He did it.  My flesh is nothing and has no power to do anything and needs daily crucifixion to wants and wrong thinking.  The first victory began in November 2019.  The Lord set me up to graciously fall in love with someone else.  It isn't someone I would expect though, and it was someone I really couldn't have and I really didn't want because I believe in building up marriages and restoring love and preach that a marriage is not just a contract on paper, but a spiritual bond of covenant love that keeps the souls tied with Jesus' Spirit walking between them and in the couple and family members.  The Holy Spirit gave me visions of whoever's spirit or soul was touching mine for whatever purpose.  After a whole year of being tormented with visions of rejection by the man's soul who I wanted last year, it was a breath of fresh air to receive a loving vision of someone after a voice said to me "Do not be afraid," and I agreed and because I liked the vision of the person's soul loving on me, I got an immediate vision of my head being crucified in Christ under The Lord's right foot of authority before His voice told me to "make up your mind."  Whatever mercy The Lord showed me, I was thankful that He used the sins of a Christian pastor to heal me from an abusive hateful man who changed his mind and didn't want a relationship with me.  It totally took my mind off him, and on this married pastor in Ohio.  And it caused the other man to be more interested in me the rest of the year and enjoy how nice I was again by my not showing him any attention.  He actually loaned me money to pay a couple of my monthly bills for me in 2020 and called me every day for an hour at a time.  In September I told him I had feelings for him again, and in October I sent him a message that I was going to be baptized once more to rededicate my life back to Jesus to wash me clean of all the garbage he did to me in 2019 and I told him that I hope he divorces his girlfriend that he abused and hated me for, so that I could try to forget him one last time.  So that caused an interruption in our peaceful communication, until I called him on an early Friday morning waking him up letting him know he needed to humble himself and repent and admit what he does.  So he was peaceful with me all day that Friday and we got back on track.  I continued Bible College and my hour long talks with him when he'd call everyday and encouraging him in The Word and explaining some things I knew about what the Bible said about Jesus and the Holy Spirit as usual that he always enjoyed.  Then November came and we had our last fallout over my misunderstanding about a hateful ex intern that he mentioned talked with him against me.  So we both went into 2021 away from each other.  I got a word from the Lord at the alter to "stop going back" and that The Lord loves me.  Who doesn't The Lord love?  I need The Lord to love me through this man and marry me because I don't want anybody else to touch me or put my lips on.  I've never been the type to go find someone else.  I'm 30-years celibate because I don't want anybody if I don't love them, and for me to love someone is rare, and is even more rare for that someone to love me back.  So this man who mutually wanted me in 2019 and then changed his mind made me try to keep his spark alive for me all that year and he kept on abusing me making me angry or changing my personality and then he'd blame me for it and verbally abuse me by defaming my sound sweet and meek and kind, gentle personality.  This year 2021 I feel strengthened finally to forget him and just let him text me, and I only respond once so he can miss me.  And I really would like to not answer him at all to see if he wonders what happens to me. I told him that if he doesn't love me, or just loves my money and business but not me, then he didn't deserve my money nor my business.  This man is someone who everybody said overcharged me according to Nashville standards to record and produce three songs and planned on having me sell my real estate to pay for the rest of the album and following albums up to 10 altogether with no care for my financial needs in the future because he promises the possibilities of becoming rich and wealthy when my audience buys all my songs and attends my concerts.  He says he likes me because I keep telling him I don't want the money, I just want to minister to people with my songs about Jesus and about love that women and family will feel ministered by.

2021 has started out being a year of correction.  The Holy Spirit allowed something to happen in Bible College class that showed my wrong thinking is going to be judged and will cause me to be taken away from what I love serving The Lord in so my thinking doesn't hurt the innocent.  Although I'm 30-years celibate and pure, my thoughts and prayers for this business man were just for marriage, and we weren't married yet.  Jesus points out in the Gospels that our thoughts of our hearts and minds are the same as if we did those acts.  Also Jesus points out for fornication, even between fiancés, that divorce is allowed.  Jesus hates fornication.  That's why Joseph wanted to privately put away, or divorce, Virgin Mother Mary until the angel told Joseph to not be afraid to take her as his wife.  I don't think it was any coincidence that every time this man and I exchanged loving thoughts for each other in texts or email, or even if it became one sided where he still enjoyed my writings but didn't respond, it was not coincidence that perhaps the Holy Spirit allowed strife to come between us to separate or "divorce" us temporarily according to James 4:1-10 and the Gospel of Matthew where Jesus teaches about divorce and fornication.  I just never knew he meant thoughts as well.  

So 2021 will be a year of purification, or else The Lord Jesus Christ will say goodbye when He returns.  Jesus wants a pure spotless Bride when He comes to pick us up in the rapture, and then we will return with him after the tribulation to rule and reign with Him for a 1000 years.

FIRST LOVE

I’ve been attending a different Church for the past few weeks.  The Holy Spirit moves more interactively in the services and prayer night.  The first time I was there I saw this giant picture of Jesus wearing His prayer shawl talit and a voice said to my Spirit this place has the Spirit of my First Love.  When I was in my late teens and late 20’s, I’d have dreams and visions of Jesus as the Soon-Coming King (white woolly hair and wearing a white Jewish garb with an average body as if He has a wine belly).  And during this one year in Tulsa inside the hateful Bible Belt where men use women and don’t love them, Jesus let me see Himself again with my Spirit eyes as a Man warmly looking at me as if He loves a woman.  I was still very petite and skinny with long thick black hair wearing contacts and I’m so glad He loved me because none of the guys liked me or was just afraid to go out with me thinking they’ll sin or something, (which one of them did and I got offended that he just used me and didn’t actually love me enough to keep wanting me, which ruined my life and I went home to Mother and took care of her and stayed celibate for the rest of my life).  NOW I WONDER IF JESUS STILL LOVES ME LIKE THAT EVEN THOUGH I AM NOT SO SKINNY WITH LONG THICK HAIR ANYMORE.  I saw Jesus again in April 2004 in a very vivid vision at three o’clock in the morning after praying one evening with an enormous amount of LOVE and FAITH in my heart (especially after seeing a movie and praying with a lot of love for the actors and the real characters they portrayed in the true story of The Alamo).  Spirit of Jesus was so happy to see me!  At the end of the vision I saw tall, long blonde-haired beings standing and one of them shouted “JUST BELIEVE!” Then they drove off in a golf cart, and then all the bright white light disappeared and returned to the blackness of my room.  I just want to say that I see the warm light of Jesus’ eyes again in the eyes of this pastor in this new church I’m attending and it’s refreshing to see my First Love of my Jesus again.  I’m trying really hard to realize it’s just Jesus in his eyes and not the human pastor’s since the man is married and I’ve re-learned it’s taboo to hug the angel of the church or rather anybody of the opposite sex.  My visions have been under attack all year since liking a dear Christian man producer in Nashville since February 2019.  Seems like all my fears of a certain creep in a church back in 1995, which was what kept me from dating ever again, had focused inside all the visions I thought the Holy Spirit was revealing to me about this producer as if he too was a ‘jack’ or sexually promiscuous, which didn’t help me none since I started wanting him and didn’t care about what I feared anymore, which is why I thought it was love.  And this producer has mentored me to write songs about all my feelings that he knows I have a lot of.  I’m learning that I can’t love anybody unless God gives me love for that person, and that human love fleets away, and that feelings of love can grow if you don’t cut off communications, unless you simply don’t like something about that person for a good reason, usually to protect yourself from what’s not love or what not right for you.  I’ve been celibate 29 years and out of the realm of interacting with love interests of the opposite sex and although I don’t play games, I really have a lot of growing up to do even at my age of 56.

UPDATE:  I was wondering what the voice meant by ‘First Love’.  I felt the Holy Spirit was telling me that it’s Jesus’ true Love of God and the Faith of the new believer with pure faith and no doubt, with all  our Love mixed with God’s Love and there is NO CONDEMNATION.  But all I felt like at fellowship at Cancun especially, was so much condemnation that it was hurting my nerves physically.  Maybe that’s what it meant by saying ‘your First Love’s here’ which meant it wasn’t in me anymore😢😭.  I want my real genuine First Love JESUS back with my First Works, ministering Jesus to the street girls.

Thankful for Love this year

I’m thankful today, and hopefully everyday, for God providing for me this year.  I’m thankful for God priming me for a special relationship along with an opportunity to record and produce my first professional CD, as well as God’s loving arm around me helping me and giving me many chances to continue focusing.  I’m thankful for the special man God gave me to not only help me to not be afraid of my past experiences, but also to have been instrumental in my being able to want to love again, even though it’s only him who I want to love and nobody else.